I’m excited to be launching my Rebrand with you this week. I was a very fortunate recipient of the brand refresh giveaway by who has done an amazing job bringing to life the essence of my newsletter aesthetically. The bespoke logo she created embodies the sun's warmth, the moon's femininity and the stars’ guidance. For me, these natural symbols speak to creativity, connection and new beginnings, all ideas I like to explore in this newsletter. I am so pleased with the results and hope you enjoy the new visuals. Let me know what you think in the comments at the end!
‘All parents find parenting difficult. According to our research, highly sensitive parents, at least in English-speaking countries, find it even more so.’ - Elaine N. Aron PhD
When we knew we wanted to start trying for a baby soon I decided to see a private therapist. I wasn’t depressed or in a crisis but I kept returning to similar feelings and blocks in my life. I wanted to be in the best place possible before bringing another human into this world.
I started my sessions after a trip to Paris and I remember seeing a black and white picture of the Eiffel Tower hanging in the waiting area and thinking how funny it was that we had just been there and now I was here. The initial sessions were slow as we both got to know one another but she was warm and reassuring. There was always a fresh glass of water waiting for me and when I spontaneously cried she would subtly hand me a box of tissues.
After three or four sessions, once she understood who I was and what might be bothering me, she asked if I knew what a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) was. I had heard of the phrase but from the title I had assumed it referred to someone who couldn’t take a joke or became easily offended which I didn’t identify with. She recommended Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person. I ordered it from the car park of her office, devoured it and scored highly on the test before the next time we met. This conversation and what I learnt from the book became the most pivotal moment in my year-long stint in therapy.
Elaine Aron has been researching Sensory-Processing Sensitivity (the scientific term for a HSP) since 1991. Her findings show that around 20% of the population live with the trait. Of course, we are all sensitive to some degree but the sensitivity that a HSP experiences is based on the increased rate at which their central nervous system takes in the world around them. Whether they experience something positive or negative their reaction is more intense, be it tears of joy or anxiety in the pit of their stomach. The brain activity of a HSP in response to external stimuli has a physiological effect on them and this can lead to overstimulation. Some signs that you may be a HSP are:
Easily overwhelmed by severe smells, sounds and textures
A strong reaction to caffeine and alcohol
The need for more rest and alone time than others
A deep appreciation of beauty, art and nature
The ability to notice the minutiae of your environment
An almost telepathic connection with others
It is a personality trait rather than a diagnosis and simply learning about the fact that you are a HSP can relieve a lot of the angst that comes from growing up in a world geared towards non-HSPs. A tangible explanation of why you are how you are helps you look back on your life through a different lens and understand yourself better. It allows you to adapt your life to accommodate the particular challenges you face, harness the power of your sensitivity and let go of any shame you might have internalised for having different needs from those around you.
‘Let's fully admit how difficult it is to be a parent and be highly sensitive. We need our alone time, but there is no truly alone time with an infant, especially if you have more than one child.’ - Elaine N. Aron PhD
As a HSP mother, I feel everything that happens to my son as if it is happening to me - the positive and negative. This has its benefits and difficulties. I notice small details about my son and his environment that help me attune to him and understand his unique needs. I go to great lengths to do everything I can for him at each stage of his life - researching and planning things in detail. The other side to this conscientious approach to parenting is the rate at which I burn out. Sometimes I find his cry disorientating and the lack of sleep and alone time wares at my patience. I often look at other parents, especially those with more than one child and wonder ‘How do they do it?’
My son is nearly one now and I’m so happy to see him thriving after a steep climb up a mountain of a year. He has a great appetite and I’m breastfeeding less and less. Next weekend my husband is going to take him out for the day without me and on Friday I’m going to a women’s yoga event at my local studio which will be the first time I have gone out in the evening. At the beginning of July, he will be starting nursery and by the end of the same month, I will be back at work. It feels like we are entering a new season. I am sad that we will be spending less time together but I’m looking forward to returning to some things that help me feel at home in my body. I hope everything I have done will give him the secure foundation he needs to continue growing and developing even when I’m not there.
Aron uses the metaphor of dandelions and orchids to describe how the correct environment is important for HSPs to thrive. Dandelions can grow anywhere, all they need is a crack in the pavement. In contrast, orchids need the correct temperature, soil and a certain type of light. I am a mother and a HSP and these parts of myself are so entwined I can’t be one without the other. But if I honour my needs, even when they don’t make sense to others, hopefully, I can continue to grow in the right direction.
If you think you or a loved one might be a HSP and are curious to learn more, the following books from Aron are a good place to start.
And this website has loads of accessible articles on what it means to be a HSP.
https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/about-contact/
I’d love to know your thoughts on navigating motherhood whilst living with a personality trait or diagnosis. What are your experiences or thoughts? If you're comfortable, let me know in the comments.
Thank you for sharing this Jennifer. I also found out I was highly sensitive a few years ago and it made SO much sense to me, and has helped me understand myself so much better and not feel like there is something wrong with me e.g. that I get totally exhausted after socialising with more than one person. And I'm also a parent (my son is 3.5) and YES it is so tough parenting when you're highly sensitive! I feel like my sensitivity got dialled up even more when I became a mother. And I also constantly wonder how people manage with two kids and not constantly lose their shit (although maybe they do, it's just behind closed doors?)
I am finding that the absolute key is self-compassion and grace and remembering that things ARE more intense for highly sensitive people, and that's OK. I am so grateful for how intensely I experience beauty - and I guess I wouldn't have that without my high sensitivity x
Hi Jennifer 👋 This was such an interesting read! I am definitely a HSP.. off to do more research.. Thank you 😊