One year on
A letter to my son to celebrate his first birthday
The first picture of many (and doing a headstand)
Welcome to those of you who are new here - thank you for choosing to be here when there are so many wonderful words to read on this platform. If you’d like to learn more about me you can do so here. I currently post every other week and move between personal essays, informative pieces, interviews with other mamas in my life and creative writing. Whatever brought you here I hope you find enjoyment and value in my words. I love connecting with others through my writing so please reach out in the comments section or message me privately if you feel moved to.
Dear Son,
It will be your first birthday in two days, but your timeline began before that - when you took form inside my belly. Some parts me, some parts your dad and all parts you. Scientists estimate the chances of you being you to be 1 in 400 trillion - that’s how special you are! I loved having you with me wherever I went, the way you would sweep a hand or foot across my stomach, secretly letting me know, ‘I’m here mum.’ I recently read about microchimerism - when a mother and baby carry some of each other’s cells long after birth, sometimes forever. I like this idea of us being connected on a cellular level no matter where life takes us.
In the lead-up to your birth, I’d heard about babies being sleepy when they arrive in the world, especially those born via C-section but this was never you. From the minute they pulled you from inside me, you were wide awake (I’ll show you the pictures one day if you’d like to see them!) I remember the surgeon saying, ‘He was ready.’ Throughout your first year, many have commented on how alert you are and people always mention your beautiful eyes. I love your ocean eyes. And how you furrow your brow and hold your mouth in an O shape when concentrating. And how your hair sticks up like a baby orangutan after you’ve been wearing a hat. And how you make a Wallace and Gromit face when you’re excited.
I know there will be many iterations of who you are and what you like in your lifetime but as a nearly one-year-old you are relentlessly curious about anything and everything. You enjoy dragging yourself across the floor, putting all your weight on one arm and leg until your little forearm turns red. You are in a continuous state of searching, and although it can be exhausting, I love watching you live so fervently. The only time you sit still is when someone is reading to you or you’re eating. Despite your never-ending energy you also have a calmness about you. You like to study things - people, a tiny leaf, a crumb on the kitchen floor. No detail is too small. You can be very serious, and then you are bubbling over with laughter in the next moment. You are a wonderful mix of contradictions, a true Gemini.
Over our wild and magical year together we have experienced so much. We’ve been to a wedding and a funeral. We’ve flown on planes, driven in cars, travelled on trains and walked miles and miles of various terrain together. We’ve explored beaches, rivers and woodlands. Art galleries, churches and museums. A foreign city and local towns. We’ve played instruments, swam, listened to records, been to the cinema, the theatre and many baby classes. We sang and danced, cried and laughed. Together we learnt how to breastfeed, you’ve learnt how to smile, to clap, to wave, to pull yourself up. I’ve learnt how to be more patient, how to keep going when I thought I couldn’t, and how to walk the tightrope of feelings that come with motherhood. We’ve held each other in the night when the foxes were out hunting and we’ve risen with the blackbird’s song.
As your first year is drawing to an end I’ve started seeing newborn babies everywhere. I can’t stop trying to remember what it was like to hold you when you were that tiny. The weight of you in my arms in those first few hours, days, weeks, months. I am nostalgic but mostly happy and proud. So proud.
Son, I feel very lucky to be your mother. I have a front-row seat to your life and witnessing it unfold is captivating. Thank you for choosing me and for giving me the chance to take on the most challenging but rewarding role. I promise to keep trying to give you my best.
Put simply, I love you.
