A view from Helvellyn of Striding Edge after a climb in August 2022
Today is my first day back at work. When this post is published I will be sitting at my desk again remembering a part of myself that has been dormant for over a year. Finishing maternity leave feels like I have reached the top of a steep mountain. I am exhausted but energised when I look back through the clouds to see the trodden route I have taken to get to where I am. Everything feels tender. The air is thin and still, the views below pulling me into a state of reflection as I catch my breath before starting my descent back down to society. I can feel everyday life pulling at me as this intimate journey with my baby comes to an end and I agonise over how we spend our last precious days up here. The path towards the bottom is a whole new challenge ahead, as I try to balance the competing parts of my life. Like the end of any good adventure, I have conflicting feelings but mostly it feels like the right time. I sense that my son is ready for more and so am I. As life moves, we move with it.
Today, women can feel a lot of pressure to make the most of their time with their babies, be it days, weeks, months or years depending on their circumstances and what country they call home. Some travel, some find time to write a book, whilst others hibernate trying to preserve that liminal time when motherandbaby still move as one. Many of us just try to make it through the day and of course nights!
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing too much?
Should I be enjoying this more?
Am I really present and soaking all of this up?
I know I’ve asked myself questions like these or compared my experience to others at times. But a more grounded part of me knows that in each moment I did what felt right for me and my baby. What that is looks different for everyone, but really that is all any of us can do. I’m proud of the many things I’ve learnt and achieved over the last 13 months and this newsletter is one of those. I’m proud of the time I’ve managed to carve out to be able to sit down and write to you every other week, which comes around sooner than you’d think! I’m proud of the way I’ve experimented and honed my skills as a writer and the way I have been open and vulnerable with you. Over the course of the last seven months, I have written 16,688 words, conducted and transcribed three interviews and personally connected with many of you inside and outside of the digital walls of Substack. I appreciate every like, comment, message, conversation and particularly the reading that you have done. I hope you have found value in being here with me.
As things start to shift for me and my family and we enter a new phase I will be moving to posting intuitively rather than on a schedule. You will hear from me when I have something to say. I’ve always been a less is more, quality over quantity person and with the changes to my schedule I don’t want what I am sharing with you to become watered down. I want this creative outlet to remain something joyful and light and not become another thing to tick off my to-do list.
I will also be turning on my paywall function. All my posts will remain free to read but there will now be an option for people to support my writing by buying me a one-off coffee or becoming a regular paid subscriber if they feel called to. Other non-monetary ways you can show appreciation for my work are by liking, commenting or sharing - all of these go a long way to help others find me and I’m so grateful when you share how my writing has affected you. I’ve been mulling over when and if I should turn on my paywall for a while now. Money, art and womanhood are a combination that can bring up some complicated feelings but as someone who enjoys supporting other women’s creative work, I didn’t want to make that decision for you. This way you have the option but there is no expectation.
In my very first post to you, I said I hope that 2024 feels how you’d like it to. Now we are over halfway through the year I wonder how this letter finds you. Are there any shifts or changes happening in your life that require you to adjust too? What have you done over the last seven months that you’re proud of? How do you want the rest of the year to feel and how can you work towards that? Feel free to see these as a personal questions or come join me in the comments section. Either way, I’m rooting for you.
